A Journey of Self Discovery (Philosophical Bases of Literature Class)
Defining
something is never easy, and to define one’s self is beyond confusion. I
believe human is the most complex thing so far, and yet we make things more
complex, so it’s going to be a journey to describe myself as a reader and
writer, with the help of English literature discipline. With that saying,
here’s the result of my pondering as an introvert human who thinks reading makes
a person.
Everything
has a start, and in my case, it’s Manga,
a Japanese style of comic. Even though many people believe that the point of manga itself is the art rather than the story,
I found myself lost in thought whenever I’m feeling the ink graved on the
paper, the smell of a new fresh unwrapped paper, and etc. or maybe basically I
just love books. But, whatever that feeling was, that was when I feel joyous
the most, compared to other kids who watched cartoon or listened to something.
Later on, unguided in the field of literature, I could still find myself standing
for hours searching curiously between the dusty shelves of a local library and
bookshops, searching for books that could make my mind wanders for a moment. That
was the time where I thought maybe, books could help me to find my hidden
unconscious self, by relating and realizing things from others’ point of view.
Without
any guide, it was a real hard time for me to find what kind of books to start
with, and I tried reading many genres ever since. Teen lit was a thing when I
stepped into the teenagers’ world, but it appeared that romance and other kind
of pop genre of novels only succeeded in making me cringe. But a real romance
literature wouldn’t hurt; instead, it makes me feel warm inside (e.g. Pablo
Neruda and Lang Leav). I found classic horror and thriller were more appealing,
stuffs like Frankenstein, seemed wise and tough. Biography and autobiography
are fun to read. Science fiction doesn’t spark my interest, despite how smart
the genre seems to be. Most fictions are fine, but the ones with a whole new
alternative universe with their own rules and possibility are not for me.
Finally, my life changed when I read Haruki Murakami’s novel, with its own kind
of indescribable fiction. Most of his novels are talking about some complex
self and life contemplating in a vague way, and I relate to those genres the
most on a spiritual level.
As
I said before, to fully understand one’s self is the top of my complexity, and
I think Haruki Murakami felt the same way. His vague story telling’s purpose,
freak and confused (but cool on their own way) introverts as the main
characters, irrational story-plot, really gets me as a human. By looking at the
main protagonists on his stories, who are just like me, calms me down, because I’m
not the only one who couldn’t see things in this life simply. Books like this
are drugs to me, because it makes me brave to embrace my weirdness as an
imperfect human.
We
tend to see things valuably just like what you said on the class before, “read
only to get knowledge”, and other things such as “this book is popular, so at
least I could say I’ve read the first few chapters” is truly exhausting. Haruki
Murakami is my spiritual guru, but I can’t be like this forever, embracing my
own self. I believe that what you read is what you are, and by realizing that,
I started to search another self-contemplating books, but not as super implicit
like his. To become a better person whilst embracing my own uniqueness.
I
started reading some Indonesian books which the author likes to use vulgar
expressions; Djaenar Maesa Ayu, Ayu Utami, Sudjiwo Tedjo, etc. I’m a person who
likes to think about my own problems more than others, and that’s why I read
Indonesian literature since I can relate to it the most. What I like the most
about these writing is the kind of vulgar expressions that I couldn’t find
elsewhere; the truth about some nasty problems of being not merely Indonesian,
but also being Indonesian women. These types of books are also contemplating
life just like Murakami’s but written on a more explicit ways. It also helps me
seeing Indonesian societies in a new and different point of views, and helps me
how to live my life as a part of the society itself.
Aside from those literary works, arts
and literature reviews really ignites my inner self. Reading music album or
concerts reviews which were written with great writing skills sometimes made me
cry. To illustrate how the atmosphere on a theater performance was, is the real
deal. To share your true emotions to the reader is a connection that is hard to
build through alphabets to some words, and some people who know how to really
use broad vocabularies so that we could feel those feelings are also artists on
some levels. I think the same thing happens to the people who write conceptual
writing about life pondering such as journal or any other types that exists.
Because to truly understand an art is not easy, the next thing is to interpret
it, and lastly we have to share that whole sensation of processing thoughts
into an article is, for me, the real work.
As I mentioned before, I’m just an
unguided girl in literature world, until I decided to study English literature
by the thought that this major might help me, not only in the sense of
literature but also as a human being. So far, looking back to the two years
that I have spent as a literature student, really overwhelmed me in a good way.
For the past two years, the things that used to be vague for me started to show
its shapes (like feelings, and other intangible but important things that
humanity has). Studying literature is a real fun, even though sometimes it’s
hard. Because apparently, by reading something is not enough, sharing the
thoughts that we have and discuss it critically is much more challenging and
useful. Here, I have learned that reading is not only matter for yourself, but
how the things that you read affect you, and how you should and would react to
it. Literature would not only change you, but also your universe and all the
things that you see.
In another aspect, I, as a person
who is not emotional and skillful enough to write literary works, choose to
appreciate it by sharing to others. I’d like to share the overwhelming feeling
of happiness from a poem that I have just read to other people, because that
would be the real happiness. I tend to observe and report about a phenomenon
and discuss it on my writing. The whole emotions and thought inside me would
like to reach the people who are willing to read it. As a writer, I’d like to
connect to my reader by the most honest way.
In
other words, I as a reader and a writer just want to be an honest self. Even
after all of this, apparently keeping true to myself is the most important
thing. Being an English literature student not only help me for being myself,
but also help me to self-develop. What I read is what I am, therefore what I
read is what I write. I read to find myself in others, to understand others, to
become a better person, to share with others, and I let this cycle flows and to
finally live as it is.
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